The Worst

Gratitude, and Benefit Recap

2011-09-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

Its hard to believe the zine benefit show was nearly a month ago now (!). I thought I'd update everyone on how things went and repost what I read for folks who couldn't make it. We were able to raise $600, an amount well beyond my wildest dreams and which will help me cover printing costs for quite some time. I'd like to shout out Maria Arettines, Sarah Hanks, Tommy Pico, and Cynthia Schemmer for reading such amazing pieces, and Worriers, Slingshot Daokta, and Bridge & Tunnel for bringing both music and dialogue about loss to the stage.

The Worst So Far:
Back in 2008 a reviewer described the zine as “an intense compilation of grief stories”. I think the word intense best describes the reactions and dialogue around the zine that i have been privileged to take part in since the first copies entered the world. But in the beginning, I was shocked that people found the zine “intense” because for me as a griever, it was one of the first things i encountered that matched the strength and depth of the feelings that I was going through. It didnt seem intense at all, it felt comfortable and like a relief to read similar stories. I can truly say, around five years after I distributed the first call for submissions, that the process of making this zine has saved my life. I can also say, that, As ive grown both personally and publically, I’ve learned that yes, the zine really is intense. Sometimes even downright unreadable, depending on where someone is at on a given day. However, I spend a lot of time thinking about why grief and loss is so “intense”, and kind of a taboo issue in our culture.

As I said in the zine, we live in a capitalist society that is primed to generate loss and trauma while at the same time silencing us if we attempt to articulate our experiences of disempowerment. Silencing grief and our true feelings serves the status quo myth that everyone in our society has all of their needs met by the system as it is and nothing needs to change. If everything’s fine, we should all be able to to “keep calm and carry on”, instead of get pissed and fight oppression. I’m excited about The Worst because it provides so many opportunities for us to speak the truths of our experiences, and in that truth lies the power of community.

On Support--
My dad died in 2001, and a big part of his life was music, so there are a lot of songs that remind me of him. On my birthday a few years ago, we had spent all night singing karaoke in a private room, and were leaving around 5am to go home, hoarse but exuberant at the new vocal heights we had reached together. As we entered the larger public room, I realized that a woman was singing along to L-O-V-E by Natalie Cole, a father-daughter duet that my dad and I had made up a ridiculous routine to when I was young. Exhausted physically and emotionally, I burst into tears and collapsed. At the same moment, recognizing the song and remembering that it was special to me, one of my dearest friends reached out and caught me. He shuffled me into an adjacent room and held me until I was done crying, and we eventually went outside to rejoin the rest of our friends. This simple act of memory and literally making a space to support my feelings stands out to me as the kind of authentic support I believe everyone is capable of offering to each other. The kind of authentic support I had hoped to illuminate through the creation of The Worst, and which has echoed throughout the project in emails, letters, and stories of connection in the face of loss.

In short, if you have the capacity to be a friend, you have the capacity to be a friend to someone going through bereavement. However, in order to access this capacity within ourselves, we have to talk about it. We have to write and read about it. And we have to do these things in dialogue with each other, so that we can practice new ways of offering support, so we can know when we’ve made a mistake, and so we can access creative ideas about how we might be able to try again.

Around the beginning of the summer, page 14 of issue 1 written by Cindy Crabb “went viral”. I’m still not really sure what Tumblr is or how it works, but all of a sudden, this page was Tumbling and REtumbling all over the world wide web (736 times and counting). What was on this page? It was a simple list of ways to help a friend whose parent has died. It included things like “for me to play music to you inside your room” “for me to get people to stop trying to cheer you up” “to go outside and scream”, “for me to ask you questions” “for me to just be near and silent”. Basic stuff, right? Why is this list of basic acts of care so illuminating when applied to grief? I think it has something to do with the taboos our culture places on grief and grieving. This list is so helpful because the items on it include ways to directly confront, address, and engage with the person’s experiences as they grieve. and in our culture, this is a radical notion. When we dare to break this enforced silence around grief and its associated emotions, when we name “our worsts,” we become empowered again to act, to cope, and to heal.

Looking around and seeing everyone who has contributed submissions, drove me to the printer to pick up boxes and boxes of photocopies, folded and collated and stapled, offered to play music tonight, to read, and all the faces i see of friends who have caught me when I stumbled trying to figure out how to carry this burden, I’m just left with tremendous gratitude. I’d like to thank Jordan from Silent Barn who had the show relocated mere days after Silent Barn was robbed. Eaden for letting us have the show here instead. For the Birds for believing in me and pushing me to do this after many years of not asking for help. All the readers and contributors, and bands who are here tonight--this is a collaborative project and would not exist without people taking the chance to speak, write, and read about the tough stuff.

**Extra thanks to the steadfast Virgo Kate Wadkins for taking these photos to document the event!!**

.pdf of Issue 2!

2011-08-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the amazing helpfulness of my penpal Nevada, the .pdf of The Worst Issue 2 is now online for your downloading pleasure (and convenience, and free-ness!!)

Check it out here, along with Issue 1, which Nevada also kindly scanned and uploaded for me a few years ago. FYI, the zine prints on legal size paper.

Aside from being able to provide people with an online version of the zine, I am excited to have had so much help from someone I've never even met in person--a perfect example of why making zines and contributing to zine culture really does connect folks in a community they may not have found otherwise.

Save the Date! Worst Benefit Show in NYC September 3!

2011-07-13T18:13:00.001-07:00

Hey all,
I'm excited to share that I'm organizing a benefit show in September to raise money to support the continued printing costs of the zine!! I am lucky to be a member of a vibrant and active DIY community full of skilled people who are helping me out to create a space where we can celebrate the zine, have a good time, and raise some much needed funds. The official details are below:

For the Birds Feminist Collective presents:

"Who'd ya lose & How ya Dealin'?":
A benefit show for The Worst: Compilation Zine on Grief and Loss

part of the Birds of Summer Series

Saturday September 3, 2011
Death by Audio // 49 S. 2nd St. between Kent & Wythe
L to Bedford or B62 to Driggs/S. 2nd
ALL AGES // NO BYOB
$6-10 Sliding Scale
Doors @ 8pm

FEATURING:
Bands:
Bridge and Tunnel
Worriers
Slingshot Dakota

Readings by:
Cynthia Schemmer
Tommy Pico
Maria Arettines
Sarah Hanks
Kathleen McIntyre
and more!

Tabling by:
For the Birds Collective
Birdsong Collective

Puppetry by:
Geppetta Whimsy-Core Puppet Theater

And, most excitingly, there will be cupcakes!

A year's worth of updates. . .

2011-05-26T08:19:00.000-07:00

As you can see from the cobwebs all over this blog, I've been majorly busy the past two years with grad school. The exciting thing is I'm finally done! This summer will be full of lots of awesome things, like workshops, readings, and hopefully a benefit show so that I can keep printing both issues. Issue 2 has sold 400 copies and counting and I've gotten great feedback on it (check out this awesome shout out from radical librarian Kate Angell!! and minireview from contributor Tommy Pico, the mastermind behind Birdsong) and its available at Click Clack Distro, Riot Grrrl Distro, Stranger Danger Distro, Bluestockings Bookstore in NYC, and Brooklyn's Storefront Gallery as part of the Brain Waves collection curated by the always amazing Kate Wadkins. This summer I'm also hoping to continue publicizing the second issue and eventually scanning it so it can be available online like the first issue.

I also wrote this piece on feminism and grief on the For the Birds Blog. In social work school I was able to do lots of work exploring the pathologization of grief and mourning by the mental health industry, so I may try to excerpt some of that information and repost it. In general, I'd like to thank everyone for the support, encouragement, submissions, emails, ideas, and commitment that you all have never stopped providing me with. The zine has transformed from a paper object into a crucial community that never ceases to energize me. <3

The Worst Issue 2 available at Riot Grrrl Distro!

2011-01-10T18:46:00.000-08:00

I am excited to share that both issues of the Worst are now available through Cindy Crabb's Riot Grrrl Distro, which, if you have not checked it out yet, is jam-packed with awesome titles, many related to self care, health/mental health, and healing from trauma. It has grown so much in the past few years and its always encouraging when folks like Cindy take on the often unglamorous task of keeping these great zines available. Also check out Timothy's zine called "Dad" for more writing on loss.

<3

Reading This Thursday in Brooklyn!

2010-11-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

Hi All,

I will be reading a sampling of my personal writing about my dad dying as well as my submission from the second issue of The Worst this Thursday at the Storefront Gallery in Brooklyn. If you're in the area stop by (and you can pick up a copy of the zine there as well for 5 bucks!). Hope to see some of you there!

Kathleen

STOREFRONTpresents:

LITERARY THURSDAYS:

a series featuring the work of emerging writers and poets.

four graduate students read:

(3 nonfictionist from Sarah Lawrence

and

1 social worker from Hunter College)

Thursday, Nov 4 @ 7:30PM

Stacey Kahn is a graduate of Skidmore College and currently an MFA student in nonfiction at Sarah Lawrence. She's been published in Epiphany magazine, among other publications. She is the assistant editor at Epiphany and is a contributor to the music site Play Me. She is currently obsessed with rice kripsy treats and the band Pavement. Stacey Kahn is not a descendant of Genghis Khan.

Kathleen McIntyre lives in queens and goes to school for social group work. Since her dad died in 2001 she's been puzzling over ways that people can help each other heal. She edits "The Worst," a compilation zine on grief and loss, releasing Issue 2 this past September. For fun and survival, she's in For the Birds feminist collective and she dances whenever she can.

Tim Gomez is from the land of milk and honey, otherwise known as California. He hates newborn babies and Christmas Day. He is also a taco connoisseur. He writes about none of these things.

Cynthia Ann is a writer and native New Yorker who currently lives in Brooklyn and is working on her MFA thesis in creative nonfiction at Sarah Lawrence College. She is a co-founder of the feminist collective For The Birds and has recently released the first issue of an oral history zine called Habits of Being. She has been published in Feminist Review, Drawn and Quarterly, and the For The Birds blog. She currently works on staff as a nonfiction reader for the Sarah Lawrence literary journal Lumina as well as the Brooklyn journal Epiphany.

This reading was organized by Cynthia Ann with special thanks to Kate Wadkins.

Issue 2 is DONE!

2010-10-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

After nearly 3 years, the second issue is finished! It is 64 pages long and features art and writing from 16 contributors about their experiences with death and grief. Themes range from loss of parents, partners, grandparents, and children to friends and community members, and the zine includes a resource list and silkscreened patch with an awesome Audre Lorde quote on it. Each cover is hand printed. I am beyond excited and can't wait to hear everyone's feedback!

If you'd like to order a copy, please send a check or well-concealed cash to the address on the right. I've also created a new online store. The zine is $5 plus $2 to cover shipping.

The Big She-Bang V, and Balance

2010-08-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

I am so excited--this Saturday, August 14th is the 5th Annual Big She-Bang put on by the NYC Feminist Collective "For the Birds." The Big She-Bang is an all-day feminist festival of art, music, foodies, tablers, rad crafters and organizations, and panel discussions on things I love to talk about, namely, feminist communication. We are getting at this theme through 3 lenses: 1, feminist creativity as communication, 2, communication surrounding emotional abuse and safe sex, and 3, exploring how to foster the voices and critical consciousness of youth in relation to media.

Yes, I know, this is not explicitly grief-related. But after a summer of planning this event while finishing up Issue 2 of The Worst, I did want to both publicize The Big She-Bang and also highlight it as an example of a way I find balance in my life. The womyn in For the Birds are the people in my life who dare to struggle against the immobilizing forces of loss and trauma and still try to create events and relationships that keep me motivated to do the work I need to do to heal myself.

I will be around all day and will have copies of "The Worst Issue 1" at the For the Birds Table so stop by!!!

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS ON ADDICTION AND RECOVERY

2010-08-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

a new project by Emily Klamer:

Substance: On Addiction and Recovery is a collection of people’s experiences with addiction and recovery in radical and/or marginalized communities. Not just a text to break the silence, Substance is an opportunity for those affected by substance abuse to make meaning of our lives and create opportunities for lasting social change. Substance: On Addiction and Recovery will be a book that transcends the mainstream discourse regarding addiction and recovery and forges new pathways towards healing and the reclamation of our lives.

I am open to essays, poetry, personal narratives, photography, art, comics, collage, and more.

Please be in touch with questions and submission ideas: substancebook at gmail dot com!

Potential topics:

• personal narratives of addiction and/or recovery • support groups • radical sobriety • harm reduction • silence and stigma • withdrawal and detoxification • the intersections of race/class/sexual orientation/gender identity/disability status and addiction • creating and sustaining community support networks • how addiction intersects with activism, sexuality, health, sexual and intimate partner violence, mental illness, privilege, oppression, identity, capitalism, the state, work, and creativity • current or historic examples of community-based groups that focus on the politics of addiction or support of community members • healing from addiction • self-medication • overdose and death • incarceration and criminalization

In addition to pieces by individuals, I'd like to include a few pieces about the work that community-based groups have done to address the politics of addiction and recovery and to support those dealing with substance abuse. If you are a member of such a group, please feel free to write.

THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSIONS IS MARCH 7, 2011

Additionally, if you know anyone who would like to donate funds of any amount to support the printing of this book, please have them contact substancebook at gmail dot com!

Please forward this message on, and spread the word!

Printing New Covers for the First Issue

2010-01-24T15:22:00.001-08:00

I got 384 done in one day! I also found this great darker turquoise paper under my bed and decided to print on that too. Now comes the stapling. . .

Issue 2 so far. . .

2010-01-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

Here are the first 6 formatted submissions--21 pages and more on the way!

2009 was a difficult year for me for many reasons, and for most of the year, The Worst was lying dormant on my hard drive and in my imagination. I thought I would write a little bit here about the sustainability of projects like this. While my deadline for submissions was flexible, I have far surpassed the time by which I had hoped to have the zine printed and distributed, and I have felt tremendous (albeit self-inflicted) pressure to get it out quickly. I felt a responsibility to the contributors as well as to others who have reached out to me since Issue 1 came out and started amazing dialogues about loss and how we can heal from it.

There has been an incredible amount of discussion in radical and activist communities recently about burnout and the sustainability of movements and projects (e.g. Counterbalance zine, Aftershock), and the idea that people within movements that challenge mainstream capitalist culture must themselves be cared for and replenished if the movements are to survive. The idea of self-care within sustainable movements also critiques the mode of activism practiced by those more privileged activists (usually white college students) who become imbued with the crisis of social change, create amazing energy in the struggles in which they choose to engage, and then are forced to withdraw or take extended breaks to preserve their mental health. As I have grown and gained perspective on my own "white college activist burnout syndrome," I have learned that I must explore the nuances of the situations in which I hold privilege and those in which I am powerless. I have learned that I must listen to those for whom struggles are not chosen, but violently imposed. From those for whom survival is necessarily a way of life, I have learned that I have a lot to learn.

I think that sustainable social change takes time, whole lifetimes, and that we lose power when we lose/exclude members because of illness, (dis)ability, grief, mental health issues, abuse, and all of the heartbreak and violence of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. We lose power when the pace and style of our movements are such that certain people are excluded from participation on their own terms.

I have had an incredibly hard time treating myself with patience and care as I put off the zine in order to heal from this past year. I think that grief (and often trauma) are experiences which touch nearly everyone sooner or later, and I have taken a lot of strength from the gathering of different voices in response to my and other grief zines' calls for submissions. Of course the importance of learning to take care of myself has been staring up at me in black and white all of this time, in a submission to the second issue by Morrigan Phillips. She writes:

"There is time to breathe and there is time to grieve and time enough to sing songs with friends and make pie and grow a garden. There is even time enough to stop and say to your friends, “My heart is too heavy for this work right now. I need to care for myself and be cared for.” And to not walk away, but just begin to work on a different part of that ship we are all building."

So in more eloquent words, my heart has been too heavy to carry The Worst, but I am proceeding at the pace I need to in order to ensure that the project survives, (hence my excitement at sharing all of my recent cutting and pasting!). Im wondering if other people have similar experiences or thoughts on keeping this balance.

Physical Illness Zine second issue in the works!!!!

2010-01-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, this is a zine made by my good friend Ben. Obviously the topics of illness and grief and often strongly related, and a lot of folks who have been though loss have often had experiences coping with illness as well. Perhaps the strongest link between the two is that they are both difficult for us to speak about and know how to respond to well in radical communities. This zine does a great job of exploring how we can learn more and support each other! check it out if you haven't already, and submit to the second issue!

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS ON PHYSICAL ILLNESS

Sick: A Compilation Zine on Physical Illness collects peoples' experiences with illness to help establish a collective voice of those impacted by illness within radical/left/diy communities. The zine is meant to be a resource for those who are living with illness as well as those who have not directly experienced it themselves. We're doing a second issue of Sick now and are looking for submissions.

Submissions should be 750-2500 words or less. Somewhat longer pieces may be considered, or may be hosted on the Sick zine website. We are open to submissions in other media, such as comics, drawings, photography, or collage. Please be in touch with questions and submission ideas: sickzine@gmail.com. For more information on the previous edition and the ongoing project, see our website:http://sickzine.blogspot.com/. To get a copy of the first edition, go tohttp://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/2764/

Potential topics:

Personal narratives of living with illness • Illness and support within left/ radical / DIY scenes • Current or historic examples of community-based groups that focus on the politics of illness or support of community members • Intersections of race / gender / sexuality / class / culture and illness • Experiences with doctors, hospitals and treatments • Body image / identity and illness • Bridging the space between disability and illness • Disempowerment / empowerment of illness • Mental health and physical illness • Suggestions for navigating the world of being a ‘patient’ • The experiences of being a caregiver • How life changes after a diagnosis • Living with multiple diagnoses • Illness as taboo • Insurance • The financial burden of illness • Sex and illness • Illness and creativity • Illness and isolation • The invisibility of illness • Providing support to someone living with illness • Creating and sustaining community support networks

In addition to pieces by individuals, we'd like to include a few pieces about the work that community-based groups have done to address the politics of illness and to support those dealing with illness. If you are a member of such a group, please feel free to write!

THE DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSIONS IS ARPIL 17th, 2010

Please forward this message on, and spread the word!

Additionally, if you know anyone who would like to donate funds of any amount to support the printing of this issue, please have them contact sickzine@gmail.com.

NYC Zine Fest June 27th!

2009-06-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

[directions, details, and more info here http://www.nyczinefest.org/]

I'm going to be at the NYC Zine fest this saturday, speaking and tabling with my friend Ben who just came out with a new zine on physical illness called "Sick!"

We are speaking from 12:30-1:30, and our talk is called "Using Zines to Reclaim Community Support."

Zines have the power to bring attention to neglected topics. This presentation focuses on two recent compilation zines which seek to create dialogue around two issues that are usually met with silence, even within alternative/DIY/radical communities: grief and physical illness. These zines (The Worst: A Compilation Zine on Grief and Loss and Sick: A Compilation Zine on Physical Illness) allow contributors the freedom to articulate their own honest experiences with these issues, without pressure to conform to socially prescribed responses and emotions. They also seek to enrich our praxis of community-based support, rather than outsourcing it exclusively to mainstream “experts.” The editors will speak about the motivations behind each project, as well as how presenting these difficult discussions in DIY zines enacts the process by which we become our own experts.

We would both love to see you there, have lots of great discussions, and meet other people who are into talking about this stuff!

Call for Submissions for an Australian Grief Zine!

2009-06-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

Obviously, projects like this make me really excited--especially since they ask for comfort food recipes--GENIUS. I found this call for submissions here: http://www.stickyinstitute.com/ Makes me wish i lived in australia!!

A ZINE ABOUT GRIEF (TITLE TBA) NEEDS CONTRIBUTORS

We want to make this zine because in this culture, we only talk about death when it crashed into our lives. Fuck that! Please send us your experiences, ideas, questions, remembrances, etc. Words, pictures, anonymous contributions all welcome. Possible topics include:

- How have you mourned?
- How can we support friends who are grieving?
- Favourite comfort food recipes?
- Worst - or best - cliches about death/loss?
- How is mourning gendered?
- How does grief change over time?
- Whatever else you want!

Send stuff to Sandy, 42 Merton Rd, Rozelle, 2039, or email like_a_pump@yahoo.com.au

2009-05-27T19:02:00.000-07:00

here is a list of books and zines on grief that i compiled for a talk after 'the worst' came out. one of the most awesome things that happened was that other zinesters got in touch with me and told me about their own and other zines which addressed death and the grief process. oftentimes, someone will discuss grief in a personal zine, (which may or may not be clear from the title of the zine) until you are actually sitting there reading it. im sure there are many more that i dont know about yet, so if you have any, get in touch!

Time for the second issue!

2009-03-15T15:18:00.000-07:00

So after taking a long break and making sure i took care of myself for a while, i am feeling ready to start the second issue. I am excited, and also feeling the challenge of engaging with this material again. So many amazing dialogues have opened for myself and others surrounding this project, and i know the momentum of that connection will carry me though it.

I am truly amazed at how the zine was received--by now over 500 copies of the first issue have been sold and I have been contacted by people all over the place. I started this page so that i can give better updates on the process as i go, and post things that are interesting or relevant to radical grief. If anyone wants to send anything my way to be posted here, just shoot me an email or post as a comment. I saw Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore speak, and she discussed how blogging helps her to capture small bubbles of feelings and memories that come up during the day, and I think that this logic applies very well to the process of staying engaged with a public dialogue around grief.

I am excited to cover new ground in the second issue of The Worst, and touch on topics that we missed in the first issue, or delve into them deeper or from a different angle. its difficult to articulate how healing it has been for me to work on this project of putting our toughest experiences into words, and i am really excited to continue it!

<3,

kathleen